The last time we were at the Ritz in Paris I had my fifth miscarriage at breakfast.

This Christmas, I was no longer in contention for the same bizarre privilege. Now that I’d had my ovaries confiscated by my doctor, I found myself oscillating between staring at my husband and daughter adoringly and wondering how long it would take to drown myself in the Seine. It had become an unwritten family tradition that we always came to the Ritz for Christmas. This year, as we drove to the hotel, with the moon beside us—a fine lick of chrome in an upside-down crescent—the driver pointed out landmarks I already knew well. I nodded, feigning interest before cutting him off to ask if he had a Motorola phone charger.

“Non, madame, non.”

“Ce n’est pas grave,” I said, sinking back into the front seat of the car. We drove past La Madeleine, lit up from below to emphasize its imposing Corinthian beauty. The few times I’d chosen to pray for my fertility, it had been in that church. Perhaps that’s why my prayers for another baby had yet to be answered—maybe God could sense my secular proclivity.

The driver continued to prattle on about Napoleon, then Sarkozy. I gave him a tight-lipped smile; I wasn’t really listening. The truth was I could’ve been in Paris or Putney, it didn’t matter. Of course, I knew Paris was beautiful. Everyone did. But it was like I was trapped inside a snow globe that nobody was shaking. All I could think about was life back home. I kept hearing the doctor’s voice in my head telling me the exact thickness of our surrogate Jess’s uterine lining and wondering if she’d been taking enough folic acid in preparation for the embryo transfer.

We stopped at a red light, where a young couple crossed the road holding hands. The girl was laughing at something her boyfriend said, throwing back her head and playfully pushing him away. I rolled up my window. It had started spitting and my coat was cashmere. The hail came out of nowhere, pelting little wet bullets against the car’s windscreen. I held down the power button again on my phone, but still nothing.