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If Only I Could Tell You by Hannah Beckerman

Contemporary fiction

If Only I Could Tell You

Early Release

This is an early release that's only available to our members—the rest of the world has to wait to read it.

by Hannah Beckerman

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Quick take

A twisty, heart-wrenching family drama that's ultimately uplifting (we swear). Hug your siblings and parents anyway.

Good to know

  • Illustrated icon, Inspirational

    Inspirational

  • Illustrated icon, Family_Drama

    Family drama

  • Illustrated icon, Nonlinear_Timeline

    Nonlinear timeline

  • Illustrated icon, Sad

    Sad

Synopsis

Audrey knows that life is filled with ups and downs, but she can’t help feeling like she’s been dealt more than her fair share as she’s watched her family come undone over the years. Her dream as a mother had been for her daughters, Jess and Lily, to be as close as only sisters can be. But now as adults, they no longer speak to each other, and Audrey’s two teenage granddaughters have never met. Even more upsetting is the fact that Audrey has no idea how to fix her family as she wonders if they will ever be whole again.

If only Audrey had known three decades ago that a secret could have the power to split her family in two, but ironically, also keep them linked. And when hostilities threaten to spiral out of control, a devastating choice that was made so many years ago is about to be revealed, testing once and for all Audrey and those she loves.

Is it too late for one broken family to heal and find their way back to each other?

Free sample

Get an early look from the first pages of If Only I Could Tell You.

If Only I Could Tell You

Prologue

June 23, 1988

It is a Thursday morning and Jess is walking up the stairs even though she has no need; she has already brushed her teeth and pulled her hair into some semblance of a ponytail. Her schoolbag is leaning against the umbrella stand by the front door and, in a few minutes, she and Lily will meet in the hallway and begin making their way to school.

Later—many years later—Jess will speculate that somehow she knew, somehow she sensed what was happening: an inexplicable sisterly intuition compelling her to investigate.

As she reaches the top of the stairs, Lily is coming out of the spare bedroom. Her back is turned to Jess and she closes the door quietly, reverentially almost, her hands clasped around the handle. Jess watches her take in a long, deep breath that she seems to hold in her chest for an impossible length of time before letting it out slowly, steadily.

“What are you doing?”

Lily jumps around, her face flushed, eyes darting from left to right. “Why are you creeping up on me like that?” she hisses at Jess in an angry whisper that does not sound like her usual voice.

“We’re not supposed to go in there this morning. We were told not to.”

Jess hears plaintiveness in her own voice, bordering on a whine, and she winces at the sound of it.

“Do not tell Mum I was in there. I mean it, Jess. You don’t want to be a telltale.”

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Why I love it

Warning—have tissues at hand for this beautifully heartbreaking story! If Only I Could Tell You is half mystery, half tender tale about grief and estrangement and the kind of loss that can break even the closest family apart. A must read!

Imagine keeping a secret of something you saw—a secret that will have heartbreaking effects on your entire family—only to find out that what you had seen had been misconstrued all along?

One morning in 1988, ten-year-old Jess sees her fifteen-year-old sister Lily coming out of their family’s spare bedroom, a seemingly benign act which, bewilderingly, sparks a rift between the two sisters for decades. Flash forward 30 years: Their mother, Audrey—who has never discovered the reasons behind the feud—is dying. Determined to reconcile her adult daughters, she’ll stop at nothing to uncover their long-held secrets. But will her time run out before she can?

It’s been a while since I read a book that managed to be so honest in its navigation of loss, forgiveness, grief, and unconditional love. There are so many beautifully captured and tender moments between the characters and the ways in which the family dynamics unfold. Beckerman has a gift in making each scene, no matter how difficult the issue at hand, feel so personal and genuine. Hands down one of my favorite books of the year!

Member ratings (7,826)

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Contemporary fiction
View all
The Last Love Note
What Does It Feel Like?
Anita de Monte Laughs Last
The Wedding People
Honey
The Leftover Woman
The Same Bright Stars
Bye, Baby
Swan Song
The Days I Loved You Most
The Connellys of County Down
Joe Nuthin’s Guide to Life
Jackpot Summer
Adelaide
The Collected Regrets of Clover
Again and Again
Evil Eye
Black Cake
Maame
Romantic Comedy
Someone Else’s Shoes
Once There Were Wolves
We Are the Brennans
The Bad Muslim Discount
What Comes After
Olga Dies Dreaming
Last Summer at the Golden Hotel
Monster in the Middle
Nine Perfect Strangers
The Star-Crossed Sisters of Tuscany
The Girl with Stars in Her Eyes
Honey Girl
In Every Mirror She's Black
Yinka, Where Is Your Huzband?
Sankofa
The Unsinkable Greta James
The Love of My Life
The Five-Star Weekend
The Magic Strings of Frankie Presto
The Wishing Game
Behold the Dreamers
The Mothers
All the Ugly and Wonderful Things
Little Fires Everywhere
The Music Shop
Where’d You Go, Bernadette
The Reckless Oath We Made
Dear Edward
When We Were Vikings
The Girl with the Louding Voice
A Good Neighborhood
Big Summer
All Adults Here
Happy & You Know It
Friends and Strangers
The Comeback
True Story
The Last Story of Mina Lee
Troubles in Paradise
White Ivy
This Close to Okay
The Chicken Sisters
The Prophets
In a Book Club Far Away
The Other Black Girl
Apples Never Fall
A Quiet Life
We Are the Light
The Most Likely Club
The Fortunes of Jaded Women
When We Were Bright and Beautiful
The Hotel Nantucket